excerpt: high
The HIGHER end of the bipolar scale. good moods and optimism soar into elation. Uncontrollable elation.
When I dip into whatever the priest is rambling about I hear, I am the resurrection, and the light, and assume he’s referencing The Stone Roses. I feel as if I truly am in the presence of God. This certainty lasts until I sense the remorseless onslaught of the hangover that has been lurking like a mugger suddenly enveloping me with the ferocity of trodding on a booby trap. |
That happened to me in the days before I was admitted to psychiatric hospital in the summer of 1990. Religion is so often inextricably liked with mental illness. When I was an inpatient in the Royal Edinburgh Hospital the first time in 1987, the charge nurse in one of the wards chaired a weekly meeting. At the end he would declare an open floor in case any patients wished to air grievances or simply chat about anything. For painful minutes most of us would stare into the carpet. But one young woman, her voice lugubrious with medication, struggling to keep up with her whizzing thoughts, would always spout forth about the rapture of being possessed by the Holy Spirit, about how we were all pawns in God’s greater plan, how this spell inside hospital was a test of our faith. The charge nurse would roll his eyes and declare the meeting adjourned.
BIPOLAR DISORDER
According to my medical notes, my initial diagnosis in 1987 was schizophrenia, subsequently revised to BIPOLAR, the mental rollercoaster characterised by euphoric highs and devastating lows. Although they are never as awful as the mind-numbingly depressive lows, there’s nothing healthy about experiencing the highs either. It would be more apt to think of the ups/downs as different levels on the same scale.
Using the analogy of a scale of 1 to 10, most people live their lives in the middle, say between 4 and 7. The 1% of the population who are bipolar can slide down to 3 and below, into manic depression; or soar above 7, into mania.
Mania is characterised by restlessness, a decreased need to sleep, increased self-confidence (to the extent of grandiosity), being easily distracted, a mind racing with new ideas and plans, extreme talkativeness, loss of inhibitions, increased sex drive, risk taking, spending sprees.
In the short-term this is known as hypomania and will last for a few days. The more extreme version, mania, can last for much longer. Mania can lead to a break with reality, initiating visual or auditory hallucinations, delusions, and paranoid thoughts. When I was ill I ticked practically every box amongst those symptoms of mania, as well as inventing a few of my own.
BIPOLAR DISORDER
According to my medical notes, my initial diagnosis in 1987 was schizophrenia, subsequently revised to BIPOLAR, the mental rollercoaster characterised by euphoric highs and devastating lows. Although they are never as awful as the mind-numbingly depressive lows, there’s nothing healthy about experiencing the highs either. It would be more apt to think of the ups/downs as different levels on the same scale.
Using the analogy of a scale of 1 to 10, most people live their lives in the middle, say between 4 and 7. The 1% of the population who are bipolar can slide down to 3 and below, into manic depression; or soar above 7, into mania.
Mania is characterised by restlessness, a decreased need to sleep, increased self-confidence (to the extent of grandiosity), being easily distracted, a mind racing with new ideas and plans, extreme talkativeness, loss of inhibitions, increased sex drive, risk taking, spending sprees.
In the short-term this is known as hypomania and will last for a few days. The more extreme version, mania, can last for much longer. Mania can lead to a break with reality, initiating visual or auditory hallucinations, delusions, and paranoid thoughts. When I was ill I ticked practically every box amongst those symptoms of mania, as well as inventing a few of my own.
1976 - Growing Up Bipolar is a memoir detailing my experiences of mental illness between 1987 and 1990, although there are flashbacks to much earlier factors that led to my mind unhinging, as well as flash-forwards to my long period of recovery.
Read a comprehensive guide to bipolar highs/lows on the website of the mental health charity Bipolar Scotland.
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